How I deal with my ED

Argh, I keep failing, failing, failing, failing.

I woke up early this morning to work off the food I ate yesterday. Class in an hour and a half. I will work out hard, burn 500 calories.

I had a dream that all my teeth fell out of my mouth. I hate those kinds of dreams. Especially since my teeth are getting bad from purging and low calcium intake and too much diet soda. ._.

I started the ABC diet yesterday, but I already failed on the first day. I'm just going to continue it today and try not to think about yesterday's massive failure, and just work off yesterday's failure in the gym today and tomorrow. Three hours of exercise should do it.

That's what I've decided to do from now on. Every time I eat too much, IN THE GYM TO WORK OFF THE FOOD I ATE IF I DIDN'T PURGE THE SHIT.

And that's that.

I was supposed to be 112 four days ago. I'm still just right above that. Ugh. So it's 112 by Monday, and 108 by the 14th. Four pounds a week. ABC diet works pretty fast.

I should have pictures with my new camera in my next post.

Just so you guys know I'm here, I'm posting an entry. Merry Christmas everyone. Hope you reach your goals today and have a good holiday.

I've been doing pretty well. I had a week-long restriction, which went very well, and I've never been able to do it before without binging. But, I managed. I've started again, and it's going well so far. I stopped myself from a binge yesterday, and ended the day with 240 calories.

My restriction goals this week are to restrict to under 300 calories all week, then to have a metabolism boosting day after the seven days are over.

Christmas, sadly, falls within the restricting days, meaning I will have to purge everything today.

Stupid doctors. Still threatening to throw me into the clinic or IP. Which is stupid, since I don't want to get better.

I'm changing my goal. It is now 112 by January 1st.

That's cause I lost four pounds over the weekend, and now sit at 120.

Eight pounds from fitting into those size 3 pants. So close, and yet, so far. Argh.

To all the black eating disordered girls who have made it on my friends list in the past couple of days, DO you think we should make a community for us? I mean, there aren't many of us at all, and we tend to have different body shapes than the caucasian girls (generally bigger-boned and pear-shaped), so it would be great to see a community that was geared toward our body shapes and real girls that look like us being thin and reaching our goals.

What do you think?

* * *

I've been cheating. I know. I'm bad. KILL MEH. :( Anyway, I got back on track today by purging my yummy yummy cheesy potatoes. Seriously, there is nothing better than purging potatoes. They just melt right out of your throat, and taste exactly the same, too. If ipecac didn't taste like asscrapdick, I would just eat potatoes all day long and purge them all day long. Seriously. Because it was actually almost fun to do it. I feel like doing it right now, screw the nasty tasting ipecac. That's how awesome it was.

Yeah, you know you're fucked when you want to go eat potatoes when you're not hungry just so you can feel yourself purge them cause it was FUN to purge them.

Psychiatrist appointment yesterday.

She wants to send me to an EATING disorder clinic cause I purged six times this month. SIX. That's not even twice a fucking week. Fuck you, psychiatrist, you suck ass. SIX TIMES? That doesn't even fit the criteria for bulimia. And I've lost only about 13 pounds since Halloween. Which is like, perfectly fucking normal. Just wait till I go back in a month and they see that drop in weight. HAAAAAAAAAA, then they'll really send me to an eating disorder clinic. Fuck you, psychiatrist, I'll just lie and say I'm exercising a lot and that I'm not purging anymore. Whatever. I need to be 95 pounds.

My plan is:

Today: 124ish
Jan. 7: 112
Feb. 19: 107

I did end up breaking my fast on the sixth day, but it was only 600 calories, so I don't feel too bad about that.

Sadly, I ate a piece of pie two days ago. I threw out most of it, but I don't know how many calories were in the part I had. Still, I'm doing well. I've been dropping inches steadily, from my two hours of working out a day that I've started. It hurt really badly at first, but now I don't feel it anymore.

So far, in 12 days, I've dropped .5 inches off my bust, 1.25 inches off my proper waist, .75 inches from around my navel, 2 inches from my jeans waist, .5 inches from my hips, 1.25 inches from under my butt, and .5 inches off my thigh.

My weight hasn't moved at all, though. That part is really frustrating. The numbers on the scale are really comforting.

It's making me struggle through drinking my tea. I just don't want anything in me to make me heavier. I am supposed to be down 12 more pounds in just two weeks. If I haven't dropped anything in the last two weeks, when will I start to drop already? Utterly frustrating. I just keep staring at the stupid tea.

I'm upping my workout to three hours on Monday.

I'm on day three of a liquid fast. I'm allowing broth, juice, milk, tea, coffee, diet soda, and low-fat egg nog (since it's the holidays and I know I won't be able to resist). The fast is supposed to last for two weeks. I've been doing good so far, but day three is always the killer for me. My stomach was in so much pain last night, as I took a liquid tea laxative to empty out my stomach from the small-scale binge I'd had a couple nights before.

It's left me hilariously hungry this morning. I think I'm just going to pop three Topamax, exercise my brains out, and hope for the best. So much fat left to lose, so little time. I have an anime convention up here in NY to go to (New York Anime Festival) and I want to be in the teens by then. Is anyone going? Maybe we could meet up? If you're in NY and like anime, maybe we could head there together. :D My liquid fast will be over by then, but hopefully I'll be down to at least 115 (and fitting back into my size 3 pants!) by the time these three weeks are over.

Finally, a decent sized post!

So, after a good week of binging and taking laxatives, fucking around with the love of my life has gotten me back on track, and with a new goal of 83 pounds. I don't care exactly when I reach 83 pounds, since the point is for that goal to just be a punishment (like my entire eating disorder, really), but that's the number and that's how it is.

It's just sad how she affects me. I don't even know her, really.

Whatever.

I'm currently up two pounds, at 109. My weight's been pretty steady there. I'm going to have to work harder if I'm going to reach my 100 goal this month. I've already been fucking around, and this month is shorter than usual, so fucking around is pretty damn stupid. I'm going to have to hit 106 by Wednesday if I want to have any hope of reaching 100 this month. My metabolism is way way up, currently, and I've been having semi-regular bowel movements without much weight gain, so that is definitely a plus for me, so if I can stick out the next two weeks with only an intake of about 3000 cal, I'm pretty much golden.

Purging has become a friend again. Hello toilet, I missed you.

I'm actually surprised that I managed to eat less than a quarter of my sandwich over a four hour period of time. Usually I shove my face when there's food to be had. Yay for depression giving me control over myself!

I will reach 100 by March 1st. I should have my next medical doctor visit by then, so I can get the official number from him.

I can never be skinny. I have big monster dinosaur bones and they'll be like that forever.

Down to 110. I wore my size three pants out for the first time this week.

Still a little tight, but I'm not popping out anywhere, so...yeah.

Twenty-two pounds to go.

So. For the month of December.

I have lost a total of 18 pounds. Weighed in at 112 this morning.

My goals for the new year:

Jan. 22: 108 pounds
Feb. 22: 102 pounds
Mar. 30: 96 pounds
Apr. 22: 91 pounds

And possibly, by May 24th, 85 pounds. Still debating that though.

Lost ten pounds in a week.

Hoping to drop another ten pounds by Christmas. Wish me luck. :x

Ate some chicken, chocolate and italian ices.

Purged until I was throwing up stomach acid.

Bye bye calories.

Now my stomach kind of burns. e_e

Fifth day.

Desire to B/P rising. Higher.

HIGHER.

I've made a pact with a friend not to look at the scale again until December 19th.

It will be both easy, and hard.

Easy, because the scale is locked in my parent's room, and hard, because I want to look so badly, oh, how I want to look!

So I charted out how many pounds I'd need to lose a week to reach my goal by my deadline. It's a pretty small number, just one and a half pounds. And my exercise regimen, if I stick to it everyday, causes me to lose 1 pound a week. So all I have to do is stick to a diet that causes me to drop an extra 1750 calories a week and I'm good.

I'm sure basic movement during the week will cause me to drop 1750 calories throughout the entire -week-, seeing as I'm already exercising off 3500 calories a week, so I shouldn't hit any major plateau areas...

I hope.

It is now the end of the third day.

I am going to bed now, and I have not succumbed to the third day crash.

I'm tired, but I'm feeling so accomplished. May the rest of my week go this well.

Second day went well. I've already lost five pounds. Let's see if I can beat the third day crash. x_x I have a test today. Wish me luck, guys.

Also, if you ever need a lifesaver!

For those of you that have asian shops around you, I suggest you get your hand on these for when you have sugar cravings. I felt kinda hungry yesterday, and I sucked on one and managed to save myself from a massive sugar binge. They are only THIRTY-TWO CALORIES a piece and if you suck on them slowly, they really get your mind off binging.

( Asian Lollis. )

Back. Again.

I missed it, I really did.

I'm all the way up to 125, now. But I'll be back down to 112 again soon. Two weeks of decent fasting will clear that right up, and my medication will help me with that.

I only had a small piece of cake and eggnog today. Lots of calories, but that was all I had, at least. And I did some exercise on the DDR.

Liquid fast starting tomorrow, and an hour on DDR.

I finally have it.

FINALLY. After begging my doctor for it, I -FINALLY- have it.

Topamax. Makes you lose weight like -crazy-. People lose hundreds of pounds off this crap.

I only need to lose about 20.

103 by Halloween.

Weight as of this morning: ...*triplequadrupledrumrollPLEASEEEEEE* 112.5. I'm finally on a steady losing streak.

More good news! I actually squeezed into a pair of size 3 pants! I haven't been a size three since like...14-15. Sure, they don't fit the best and my love handles kind of pop out the sides, but I got them over my FAT ASS and that is worth something! I will DEFINITELY be a size 3 once I get down to my first goal!

ALSO. My 5/6 pants are falling off my ass. If I can lose half a pound a day...or at least 3 pounds a week...I'll be down to 107 just as my deadline comes around. I've got two weeks to lose the remaining 5.5 pounds. That's plenty of time.

And after that, I've got a month to lose four more pounds. I figure once I get down that low, losing will go a lot slower, so I'm not giving myself an impossible goal like the whole remaining 11 pounds in that one month, though I'm sure I'll lose more than just four pounds.

I hope so anyway. My own fat is bothering me.

Weight as of this morning: ...*superdrumroll* 113 even.

And I haven't even gone to the bathroom yet.

Super. Duper. Score. If I do well for the rest of this month, my weight will be down to my goal of 107!

Also, to my ladies that live in NY. Anyone wanna hang out Saturday night? I know this comedy club, and though you gotta have drinks (I'm pretty sure they have diet soda), it's pretty funny shit and I need rl ed friends to help push me along and get me over the top.

Hahahaha. My mom told me I looked like I needed to eat. It made me feel awesome.